Abandonment

"Be Strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." - Deuteronomy 31:6

Here she is sitting outside of yet another therapist's office waiting to walk in. This is now her third therapist in less than a year. She starts to think will this therapist be like the last one - canceled appointments and then abandoned for speaking her mind? Yet, she isn’t ready to let go of therapy just yet. She told herself that she would try just one more time. Yet, she can't help but think back to the last two therapists she had.

It was the last appointment with the very first therapist, a therapist that she had come to trust and respect. Fear had gone through her mind as she sat and talked with her. All the memories that they had shared in this room came flooding back. The time when she started and would just sit there with nothing to say. The time that she fought back, trying to lie about being suicidal. There are good moments and bad moments in this room. All of which she would never change. She knew more work needed to be done when it came to dealing with an eating disorder. She knew she had to leave, no matter how hard it felt. As she walked out of the office and said her final goodbyes, she knew the next chapter of her life was about to happen. That night she thought what would this new therapist be like?

The next day came quicker than she hoped for. She was driving down the road to her first appointment with the new therapist. And out of nowhere, she began to cry realizing her life had just changed more than she was truly ready for. The old therapist had been a lifeline, a safe place. That therapist's room was the only place she felt she could truly be herself. She realized that she was now going to have to trust a new person with her plans, troubles, and traumas. Was this therapist going to be a safe place? She didn't know. So as she drove to the new place all she could do was cry.  

When she finally made it to the building, she just sat in her car scared to make any move. She didn't know what she was about to walk into. But she knew she couldn't sit in this car forever. So she made her way inside the building. This room was new and she wasn't comfortable, but she reminded herself she hadn’t been comfortable with therapy in the very beginning. She needed to have time to get used to this room. She sat there and talked with this new therapist. And everything seemed like it was going to work out just fine. She was just going to have to learn to trust this person. After meeting with her she headed back to work. Suddenly, all this fear and anxiety came seemingly out of nowhere. She realized she wasn't okay with this change at all. The rest of the week was a roller coaster ride filled with a ton of emotions. She didn't like this change no matter how much this change needed to happen. When she had walked out of the first therapist’s office, she would not be in contact with her for a while. And that was the hardest part. Because all she wanted to do was run back to her first therapist and be in the safety of her office once again. But that was not going to happen.

As the next few months went on it became harder to trust this new therapist because she hadn't been able to see this therapist. The new therapist had canceled many times. Some of the times were right as she would pull into the parking lot. But when they did meet it wasn't what she was used to. This new therapist didn’t care to listen to the concerns she had and when she voiced her concerns that she just wanted to be heard it wasn't received well. This therapist didn't want to do therapy with her she wanted to be her nutritionist. Time and time again she tried to explain she already had a nutritionist and just wanted to do therapy. Yet, that never happened. So she did the next best thing she could do and that was to email this therapist. She emailed the therapist how she felt about everything in regards to her sessions. She wanted to work this out and wanted to try to make this work. But she felt she needed this to be said so that they could move forward. She knew she had a hard time letting go of her old therapist, memories from the past were still there. The attachment she made with the old therapist was still being held onto. But she knew that she needed to move on and wanted to try to move on even thou she knew it was going to be hard and take work. The therapist emailed back and thanked her for sharing her emotions and told her that they would work on this in the next session. She was excited she felt heard for the first time since seeing this therapist. She knew things would be different in the next session.

When the next session came she was worried and excited because she didn't know how it would go. But thought it would start working itself out now that she had been heard. But she wasn't ready for what was about to take place.

She walked into the office ready for the meeting hanging on to the hope she had. Yet, when she walked in one look at the therapist she knew something wasn't right. The look of aggravation was written on her face. Instead of addressing the email the therapist talked about how she felt she wasn't the right fit and that this could never work out, that she needed to find a new therapist and that she would end this session 30 minutes early because we could never move forward. The therapist said she didn't want to put the buggy before the horse, yet she was ready to let her go that very moment. She sat there not knowing what to do or think. Panic started to set in with the fear of not having a therapist any longer. Nothing was left to do or say. So she agreed and walked out of that office with no therapist to go to and no hope left.

She sat in her car trying to think what to do next. All the memories - her mom passing away when she was only 16, her close friend passing away when she was 26, and leaving her first therapist - all came crashing down around her. The feeling of hopelessness and abandonment was consuming her. She had felt abandoned too many times in her life. And here it was again. Her new therapist who she hoped would have worked out had just abandoned her. There wasn't anywhere for her to go - she no longer had the safe space of a therapist that she could trust and talk to. The next thing she wanted to do was drive until she could no longer drive and maybe this feeling of abandonment would lose her.

Yet, that feeling of abandonment would live inside of her. For a few days, she was lost and felt as if she could never trust another therapist again. She wanted to run back to the original therapist but knew that it wasn't a reality. It was as if darkness was trying to come back into her life and consume her. During this time her original therapist heard what happened and reached out, asking if she wanted to meet to talk about what happened. As excited as that sounded - to be in the safe space she grew to love - she didn't know how this was going to turn out. Yet, she agreed to meet with this therapist.

At the time of the session, she was hopeful to feel that same peace and safety she had come to love. But when she walked in she didn't feel that same peace and safety. She felt as if she had let this therapist down because she had returned. She sat there, feeling disappointment and hopelessness, knowing she should have never come back to this room. This room once meant a safe place, a place she could come in and be herself. Yet, she no longer felt that. She had let this therapist down. And now she faced feelings of abandonment, hopelessness, and disappointment. All she wants to do is run out the door and never look back. She wishes she could end all of this pain. This was too much for her to handle. So she left that session feeling worse than when she came in.

On the drive home, all she could was cry and wish that a car would hit her so these feelings could end. When she arrived home she crawled into bed and cried herself to sleep. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring.

The original therapist reached out and offered to see her until she could find a new one. But she knew she could never walk back into that office and face that therapist again. Not with the feelings she had, which had turned into anger. She had hidden those feelings and tucked them away so that she didn't have to face them any longer. One day they would come out and she would be ready to face them. But today was that not day. So she would try to move on not knowing if she could ever come to trust a therapist again. 

A few weeks had passed since that last session with the original therapist. She had been on the search for a new therapist. Because she wanted to try to move forward. She had finally come across one therapist who had an opening and was willing to see her. So there was some hope left in her, but not as much as before. But she wanted to try therapy one more time. But she knew that if this therapist didn't work out she was finished with therapy for good. She still didn't believe she could ever fully trust a therapist again, but she knew she still had work to do in therapy.

So now she sits in this new room wanting to believe that she can trust this therapist to not abandon her. But only time was going to tell and a lot of work was going to need to be done to lose the feeling of abandonment. And to be able to let this therapist into the most secret place in her heart.  But she was willing to try to break these walls and be able to move forward. So she pushes open the door and walks in holding on to faith that this is the right therapist and the right place.

"He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." - Psalm 18:19

The first memory I have of abandonment is when I was 16 years old and watched my mother pass away. That was the day I realized not everyone would be around forever. It was also the day I chose to keep people at arm’s length. I thought that if I never let anyone get too close, they couldn’t hurt me when they left. But that choice only made my life harder because it meant I struggled to trust others. In my mind, trust and abandonment became inseparable—if I trusted someone, they would eventually leave me, just like my mother had. Even when it came to God, I was terrified to trust Him. I wondered, what if He thought I was too much? I carried so much baggage that I feared no one—not even God—could truly be trusted.

Abandonment is not new to God. Even David, a man after God’s own heart, felt abandoned. In Psalm 22, he cries out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” He felt unheard and alone in his suffering. But despite his feelings, the truth was that God had not abandoned him. That same feeling of abandonment is something many of us have experienced or are experiencing now. People will leave us, but we must hold on to the truth that God never will.

There will be times when people leave our lives—it’s inevitable. Whether due to moving away, life changes, or even passing away, change is a part of life. That doesn’t mean we won’t feel abandoned, but it does mean that God will always be there when it happens. Learning to fully trust God helped me begin working through my fear of abandonment and slowly start trusting the people around me. But it’s a process, and I am still working on it. Even with my current therapist, whom I’ve been seeing for over a year, I struggle to trust. In the back of my mind, there’s always the thought that one day, she’ll leave because I’m too much.

But the one thing I hold onto is the truth that God is constant. No matter how big my emotions become, He is there, ready to carry them. He will never leave or forsake me. Deuteronomy 31:6 reminds us, “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.” Hold on to that truth. People may leave, but God is always by your side.

Through this journey, I have also learned that healing takes time. It’s okay to have setbacks and to feel the weight of abandonment again, but it’s important not to stay in that place. We must allow ourselves to feel but also remind ourselves of the truth. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, even when trusting them feels scary. Community and connection can be powerful tools in the healing process.

Prayer and scripture have also been my anchors in moments of doubt. When fear creeps in, I turn to God’s promises. Jeremiah 29:11 assures us, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” These words remind me that I am not alone and that God’s plans for me are good.

If you are struggling with abandonment, know that you are not alone. Healing takes time, and it is okay to take small steps forward. Trust doesn’t happen overnight, but with each step, we learn that not everyone will leave, and most importantly, God never will. No matter where you are in your journey, hold on to the promise that you are deeply loved and never truly alone.

"Be Strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." - Deuteronomy 31:6