I am a year older on this beautiful day. And it’s all possible because of Your incredible love and mercies, God. Today, I thank you from the depths of my soul for blessing me with Your love and grace.
Today is October 26th, 2022, and I turn 33 today. Happy Birthday to me!
A few years ago, I did not think I would make it to my 33rd birthday. Yet here I am. God had bigger plans for me than I could have imagined. The last 33 years have been a roller coaster, to say the least. I have traveled to 7 different countries and 16 states, learned how to play 9 different instruments, played in an Orchestra that traveled across Europe, and moved from the deep South to the Midwest. Most of that was done before I turned 21. With all that fun in my life, I also had tragic events happen along the way of life. At 16 my mom died. 6 years later my best friend was killed. 16 years later my stepmom died. There are other tragic events that happened throughout my life that I will talk about in the blog later. But for this post, I will talk about how these 3 events shaped me into the woman I have become. My life, and maybe even yours, is crazy. I truly feel as if I’m on a roller coaster called Life. I don’t understand God’s plan for my life or why the past events happened to me. But I know God used these events to show me he was right there alongside me the whole time.
Each birthday since my mom’s passing gets easier, but it’s still hard. My mom was one to celebrate birthdays. She made a big deal out of your birthday. Always had balloons on a chair just for you and made your favorite breakfast. To top that off she would throw the best birthday parties ever. I wish I could go back in time to my last party with her and tell her how much the parties meant to me. I was 16 when she gave me my last party. I did not know she would be gone just a few months later. When you are a teen, you start wanting to push back from your parents and try to become your own person. This is what I had started to do, but I wish I could just go back in time. But I can’t. So now I hold every birthday special to me and want to make sure my friends and family have the best parties ever.
My best friend in High School was with me through my mom’s death. Her family became my family. We shared a love of music and being in band together. Kristen was the person you wanted as a friend. She taught me that if you tried hard enough your dreams could happen. I will not forget the call I received at work telling me that she had been in a car wreck. The feeling of being over 10 hours away from friends and family hit home that day. I could not jump in my car and go to the hospital. I had to wait for someone to tell me if she would make it or not. I remember being at home when the call came through that she had passed. Kristen had just started her career, yet she was gone from this earth. What this taught me was to hold your loved ones close. But it also taught me not to let anyone in, because this was the kind of pain I didn’t want to feel again. After her funeral, I started to withdraw from people even more. Depression kicked in and I wanted nothing to do with anyone. This started my biggest spiral yet.
Then only 16 years after my mom passed, my stepmom Rhonda would pass away from ALS. When Rhonda came into my life I had been without a mom for a while so Rhonda and I did not get along at first. We had some moments that put us on a rocky start. But as I grew as a person, I realized that she wasn’t trying to take my mom’s place - she just wanted to be a friend. Toward the end of her life, I realized that I had a woman in my life whom I could call for advice about things that my dad could not help with. When she passed in August, I realized I had to go through yet another funeral. We all have gone through funerals, but I was not ready to have my dad bury another wife. This taught me to show the ones I care for that I love them. It also made me realize that I am happy that God did not allow me to end my life back in 2021.
That is what leads me back to today - my Birthday. Leading up to my 33rd birthday has been both exciting and terrifying. Exciting because of what God is doing in my life and what he has planned for my future. Terrifying because I don’t know what God has planned for my future. I am not one to like the unknown. I don’t know anyone who does like the unknown. I am a planner - I like everything to be planned out. I want to know what is coming next. But that can be a downfall at times. Simply because when we plan our lives sometimes, we don’t allow God to work in our plans. We might think we have added God to the plan, but most of the time God has something bigger and better for us. But when we plan every little detail and don’t allow God to take the pen, we have under-planned our lives.
Even though the last 33 years have been a roller coaster I would not change a thing. Even with the last few years being a high-speed coaster. The last few years could have and should have killed me. But GOD! I was on a high-speed coaster and almost came out of my seat, but God caught me just in time. From having suicidal ideation to having an eating disorder, this all should have killed me. But God had other plans for my life. I’m writing today to show you that it doesn’t matter what life or the enemy throws at you, God already knew what will happen. Nothing is a surprise to God. God did not promise an easy life. But with God, our life can be the best thing ever.
Today is the start of a new year for me. Today I will take my past hurt and the events of my life and give them back to God. So that God can use them for His kingdom. My life is not like yours and vice versa. I have gone through a lot over the last 33 years, feeling alone most of my teen and adult life. But this is where I pray that God can use my story to help one person to know they aren’t alone in this game called Life. God is there for you just as He has been there for me. You are not alone, and neither am I.
As I finish writing today, I give you one last thought. Just breathe, take it one day at a time, and remember, it’s okay to not be okay. God is right there beside you and I want to be there to help you through your journey towards healing.
“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”
-Psalm 139: 13-14
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