Explosion or Implosion?
- stephanieavon2008
- Mar 1, 2022
- 6 min read
Updated: Mar 3, 2022
“Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
-Philippians 4:6-7
First day of summer, she walks out of her bedroom and calls to her mom, asking what’s for breakfast. But then it hits her like a ton of bricks: her mom is no longer there. She is alone in the house: her sister has moved out, her father is at work, and now no mother there. She falls to the ground, reality setting in for the first time that her mom is gone. No more laughter, hugs, homemade meals, or watching Mama’s Family. Her world is changing too fast. She hates the pain and hurt she feels. How can she stand on her own two feet feeling this kind of pain? But there is too much to do for her to break down now. Her dad works 50 plus hours a week. Her sister has already moved out. No one else to care for the house, but her. Just a few days ago, she was told she had to be strong for her dad. So, that is what she will do – be strong. Knowing that she is going to have to get up and move forward without a mother, she does the only thing she knows to do – she picks herself up, dusts off the dirt, and pushes her emotions down. She tells herself she will never have to feel this kind of pain again because she will keep her emotions in a box to never be opened again. Or so she thinks…
The pain when you lose a loved one is a pain no one wants to feel. The pain from a loss of a mother at a young age should never have to be felt. I was 16 years old when I watched my mom pass away before my eyes. I can still remember that day as if it was yesterday. I remember the sounds in the room and where items were placed. It was a day I will never forget. A day in which my life was changed forever. The pain I felt was tremendous – it hurt to breathe, talk, think, let alone live. It was enough to last a lifetime. I never wanted to feel the loss of control, the hurt, the confusion, the anger ever again. I didn’t want to feel any type of hurt again. I did the only thing I thought I could do: I created a “box” and put my emotions inside, so I’d never feel them again.
This “box” made a way for me to hide away all those feelings, instead of facing them. But would this cause me problems later? Only God knew the answer and only time would tell the story. So, the question is, would the “box” break?
This “box” I created was meant to help me, to keep me moving forward so I could live. It was a coping mechanism to survive. Every negative emotion I experienced, I would put into this “box”. But you see, there was a flaw in my plan: this box wasn’t going to be big enough to hold what I would face in the years to come. That day 15 years ago would not be the last day I would feel those emotions.
As much as I would love to say that I never had to experience pain, hurt, rejection, or anger again, that just wasn’t the case nor was it reality. Even Jesus wept, which means He felt pain. And Jesus experienced rejection – from His very own hometown! Jesus walked through life, knowing people hated Him because of who He was. Jesus had moments where he was angry. He even flipped a table over! So why would I think I would never have to feel this kind of pain? That just isn’t how life is.
Pain, hurt, rejection, anger, and other emotions are going to come daily. If Jesus was allowed to feel these emotions, then surely so are we. So why did I try to hide my emotions inside of a “box”? Because I didn’t know how to deal with them. I thought if I could just hide them away everything would be okay. But that wasn’t true, and I became an emotional time bomb, waiting to explode. The more emotions I would put inside this “box” the tighter it became. Then one day I put one last emotion in the “box” and it exploded before my eyes. All the pain, hurt, rejection, and anger came at me like a wave crashing into a rock. And I could not take it all at once. I crumbled.
All those years ago, the decision to push down my emotions instead of face them caused me more harm than good. Maybe you’re thinking, how could that be? When I started hiding my emotions instead of dealing with them, I learned to keep people out of my life. No, that doesn’t mean I didn’t have friends or hang out with people. But it meant that I built a wall, a ten-inch-thick wall, so that no one could come close. No one could hurt me, unless I allowed it. The more people who caused me pain, the thicker my wall became.
This in turn meant that I didn’t allow people to help me when I needed help the most. When my “box” finally exploded, it caused me to crack inside. I imploded. I was carrying around those years of anger, hurt and pain that I had never faced. I didn’t think that God would want someone that had as much baggage as I had. I ended up believing suicide was the only way I could stop those feelings. But I was so wrong! God doesn’t want us to feel like that. God wants us to bring that pain to Him so He can help us carry it. But He also wants us to have a group of people that can pray with and for us. God was waiting for me with open arms and had a wonderful support group just for me.
Now that doesn’t mean I didn’t have to eventually come face to face with those emotions - because I did, and I still do. God is still picking up the pieces of my brokenness from that implosion of suppressed pain, hurt, rejection, and anger of the past. But piece by piece, God is showing me that these emotions can lead to beauty. Holding those emotions in for so long has helped shape me into the woman I am today. Someone who has a hard time trusting people and letting them into my life, is slowing trusting God and letting Him into my heart. With God, I am learning that it’s okay to let people in. That I’m going to have to feel these emotions. But that’s okay, because God felt them, too. God is going to walk right along side us and not leave us when life gets hard. God wants us to bring our baggage to Him so that we don’t feel alone or lost.
However, we need to remember that even when these emotions come, it does not give us the right to sin. It says in Ephesians 4:26 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” When you feel angry, that doesn’t mean you lash out at someone. When someone hurts you, you don’t find a way to hurt them. Don’t explode and hurt those around you. Instead, bring those emotions to God. God does not want us to face things alone, He wants to be right by our side.
When life gets hard and you feel angry, hurt or rejected, will you explode or implode? Try seeking out the Master in emotional bomb diffusing instead. Go ahead and feel those emotions. Cry and even yell if you must, but don’t ignore them, shove them down or bottle them up. Don’t lash out and hurt others. Pray and give them to God. Ask Him to help you. Because your story should not end with brokenness and heartache. That’s hard to see when all you can feel is brokenness and heartache, but God wants to make something amazing out of this pain. Remember one last thing – God loves you and He has not forgotten who you are.
“Jesus wept.”
-John 11:35
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