Have you ever thought that God would never be able to heal your brokenness from your past hurt and heartache? That was me a littler over a year ago. For you see a year ago, June 8, I thought my life was over. At least that’s what I thought would happen. But God had other plans for my life. You might not know what I’m talking about if you just joined this blog. So let me share a little of my story with you…
“For I know the plans I have for you, Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
-Jeremiah 29:11
The music in the church is coming to an end and the preacher is about to step up and start talking. While this moment is taking place she listens to the sounds in the church, sounds that she has heard many times before. Sounds of people worshipping, a baby crying, and the sound of clapping. But this time was different. You see she can feel the presence of God like never before. Yes, she has sat in this church for years hearing the same sounds. But it’s different now because she is truly alive inside. The joy that she feels is a feeling she didn’t know could happen to a person like her. You are probably sitting there thinking “what do you mean a person like you?”. You read this and see that she is a person who is in church. But just a few months ago she planned her own death. Thought that suicide was the answer. That still shakes her to her core.
But little by little she is learning that God never wanted her story to end in suicide. That was far from what God had planned for her life. Yet, she doesn’t know what God has planned for her. But all she wants is to experience this joy and happiness for the rest of her life. Because before that day she doesn’t remember feeling this type of joy.
This joy is new to her. Yes, she experienced joy in the past. But this joy is something she has never experienced before. For this joy is a true joy. She isn’t pretending anymore. She’s not wearing a mask and pretending everything is okay. No, that is not her story anymore. She is no longer hiding the pain from God and running from Him. She leans into His embrace knowing that God will always be by her side. She is no longer afraid to show her friends her weak side and ask for prayer or help. No, she is learning that it is okay to ask for help. Her story is changing daily, and she is excited about what is in store for her life. Before June 8, 2021, she would have never imagined feeling this joy. For so long she ran from God even while sitting in this very church. Always afraid of the judgment that might have come. Which kept her quiet and alone. Yet, God never left her side, He was right there waiting to catch her and hold her.
The preacher starts to read scripture and her mind starts to focus on him once again. She knows there is still work to do in life. The road ahead of healing will not be an easy task, but she knows that God has already walked the path. She doesn’t fear the future because she knows that God will be right by her side. Her story has had major ups and downs, but God has kept her through every moment. She holds on to that knowing He will do the same in the further. So as the preacher starts to preach, she prays that one day her story will help just one person know that they are not alone, and that suicide is never the answer.
Suicide means ending your own life. It is sometimes a way for people to escape pain or suffering. When someone ends their own life, we say that they "died by suicide." A "suicide attempt" means that someone tried to end their life but did not die.
Being in such a dark place that you believe your only choice is suicide happens to more people than we think. As much as we don’t want to believe that it’s true. Suicide is not something that only happens to people outside of the church. Unfortunately, it happens to those in the church as well.
People can pretend everything is fine in their lives which results in them struggling alone. This is not how God intended our lives to be. When we pretend, we become unnoticed, quiet, and feeling alone. Which is what the enemy wants us to feel like. Because if he can isolate us from the church body then he can win the battle. So when are we going to stop pretending everything is okay? When are we going to learn it’s okay to ask for prayer and help?
That question is easy to read and hard to do. I know because I was in that dark place, not just for a few weeks or even months. No, I was in that dark place for years. Always believing I had to be this strong independent woman. I never needed anyone but believed I needed to solve other people’s problems. But, in reality, I was running from my past hurt and trauma. I had been taught that in order to survive I had to do things on my own. This, in return, allowed me to hide my struggles even from close friends.
Maybe you read this and don’t understand where suicide comes into play. Let me explain. Running from my past hurt and trauma allowed me to keep that pain away from my heart. However, one day I would have to stop running because I would become tired. When that day finally happened the emotions that I hid came out all at one time. At the time I could not deal with the pain of the past and the trouble I was dealing with at work. I did not know how to handle this type of pain and hurt. The pain wasn’t just from my teenage years it was also from a few years into my adulthood and the problems I was dealing with at work. Instead of taking all of this to God and leaving it in his hands, all I could hear was the voice of the enemy telling me “to end it all”.
“End it all”. The enemy would repeat this over and over to me. I knew what suicide was and what it meant. I knew that if I took that road, there was no coming back. Yet, I planned the whole event. I thought that God would not want someone like me. Someone with past hurt, pain, brokenness, self-harming behavior, and suicidal thoughts. Why would God want someone like me? So I planned the day and wrote the note.
Suicide would be my end. Yet, there was a knocking on my heart. The question now became, would I answer it?
God places people in your life at just the right time and the right place. You see, even though I had the event planned, I emailed my therapist to tell her about the 15 sleeping pills I had left. Now, that could have been the end. But my therapist listened to God and emailed me back to get me to her office. She knew that she needed to get me there and not let me leave. She knew I had the plan and once she saw me she knew that I would not make it through the night if I was left alone.
God was knocking but I wasn’t answering. But God will use other people to help reach us when we need it the most. I had to make the choice to either not answer that email and stay home or answer and go see her. I can’t explain why I left my house. I didn’t plan to leave, I only planned to email her and that be the end. But I could feel something pulling at my heart.
God was trying to reach me before I took the ending of my story into my own hands. We should not be writing our own stories; God should be the author. For if we write our own stories, they will not be as beautiful as God intended. We need to learn it’s okay to give God back the pen and let Him write. We also need to understand that it’s okay to not be okay. Life is not easy and there will be struggles. God did not promise us an easy life. But with God anything is possible.
Maybe you sit and read this and you are struggling with suicidal thoughts. Know this: you are not alone, unloved, or unnoticed. God sees you. God is right there knocking on your heart waiting for you to answer. God has never left you and will never leave you. It states in Deuteronomy 31:8 “And the Lord, He is the one who goes before you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” God wants us to bring Him our struggles so that He can carry the burden for us.
You are not alone in your struggles. There are people in the church that feel and have felt just like you do. They could be sitting right next to you. I was that person who thought I was the only one in the church who felt like I did. But when I started to speak about my struggles there were people that I had never spoken to coming to me telling me that they struggled with the same thing. We need to understand as the church it’s okay to share your story. You shouldn’t share your story with just anyone, God will direct your path to the right people. Just don’t be afraid to share it with those He guides you to.
It has taken me years to learn that it’s okay to have a support group and ask for help. Without God, my therapist, and my support group I would not be alive today. And it shakes me to my core to think that I planned my own death. But I am thankful that God never gave up on me. God kept knocking on my heart and used the right people to help me. My story may not be like yours, but that’s okay. Each story will be different but someone will need to hear your story of how God took you from a dark place and brought you to the other side. It is time we start sharing our stories so that God can use them to help someone else. Because the struggles that you have faced could be the saving grace for someone else.
My prayer is that my story will help just one person know they don’t have to struggle in the dark. God never wanted us to struggle alone, that is why he gives us a church body. The church body is there to help lift each other up in prayer, encourage one another, and fellowship with each other. They are there to love each other and to show the world what God can do.
GOD LOVES YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU MATTER.
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved” – Psalm 55:22
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