“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well”
-Psalm 139:14
She stands in front of the mirror, her reflection looking back at her, showing every part of the body she hates. While she is looking at her reflection, she wonders how she ended up here. She only started this journey to become healthy, but now it has gone too far. She crumbles to the floor and begins to cry, wondering when she will learn to love herself. All the while she is allowing the enemy to throw every lie he can at her. He’s telling her how worthless, hopeless, and how fat she is. She no longer knows what’s true or not – all she can do is cry. She has forgotten who she belongs to. All the while the Lord is trying to reach her, calling out to her. But she cannot hear him - the enemy is to loud in her ear. So, she does what she thinks will stop the enemy. She starts to claw at her stomach, cutting at it with her nails. Self-harm has become her escape from feeling the pain of the mirror.
What does a mirror mean to you? According to the Webster Dictionary a Mirror means a polished or smooth surface that forms images by reflection, something that gives a true representation. For myself that true representation has been made into a lie in my mind because I have allowed the enemy to use the mirror as a tool. I’ve allowed the enemy to point out all the flaws, everything that is wrong with my body. You see, when you look at me you might see that I’m a size small, but when I look at myself, I see what I once was, which was a 2X.
Throughout my life I have hated the mirror, never liking what I saw. I covered mirrors up in my house and in stores, avoided aisles that had mirrors. I would joke with people that I would break them if I looked at them. People thought it was just a funny joke. But what they didn’t realize is I truly thought I would break them. I don’t remember a time where I could look at myself and think “I am pretty”.
I grew up as the fat kid in school. I wasn’t the only one with that title, but it followed me for years. There are still jokes that people made that I remember to this day. Yes, kids and teens can be mean. Those jokes and being told I was fat haunted me all the way into adult hood. Those words that I was told would eventually spark the process of an eating disorder. But that process wouldn’t start for a few years into my adult life.
Are you the person that looks into a mirror and can’t find a positive word to say? The enemy likes to use the mirror at times to tell us what our flaws are. You see, the enemy knows that if he can keep us focused on hating our bodies, it will take our focus from our true purpose: making an impact in the kingdom of God. The more we listen to the enemy the worse you will think of yourself. Then more flaws I found in my body the more I hated what I looked at. The more I would look in the mirror the more self-harm I would do. The self-harm was an escape, an escape I thought was the only way out of this pain. I had self-harmed before when my life would be out of control. It would erase the stress or pain for a time, but it was never a long-term solution. But self-harm is not the escape route that God wants you to take. God had an escape route for me. I just didn’t see it at the time. My focus was no longer on God, it was focused on how to end this pain. So, I thought self-harm would at lease erase it for the time being. But like I stated it’s not long-term, so the pain I was trying to erase came out in a different way - an eating disorder.
Maybe it’s time we change the mirror. No, I don’t mean you have to buy a new one. But why don’t we change our mindset? Easier said than done! Trust me, I know. I have stayed away from the mirror for years. I could look at myself and tell you every flaw there was, without missing a beat. I never learned to love what God had created. I was trying to fix what I thought was wrong with my body. I tried every diet I could, any type of pill or workout to lose weight. Then it hit me - I just needed to be healthy. I thought I was changing my mindset. But in reality, I was hiding the pain of being the fat girl, never facing it. So, as I thought I was changing my mindset I was setting myself up for an eating disorder. No, it wasn’t my plan to end up on this end of the rope. But I wonder if I had instead faced the pain, would I be here today? Only God knows that answer and I leave that up to Him.
For you see, this is my story that He has given me. I might not understand why He hasn’t healed me yet of an eating disorder. But I know as I walk this path God has already walked before me and is walking along side me. I am not alone in this journey to recovery, and neither are you. It’s time we stop allowing the enemy to use the mirror to tell us what flaws we have. Because if we think about it we don’t have any flaws, God doesn’t make mistakes. God made us in His image, and we are beautiful because He created us. It does not matter what size you are. You can be a Zero or a size Twenty and still be beautiful because we are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. We need to be able to stand in front of the mirror and see the wonderful work God created.
The next time you are standing in front of your mirror, and you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, stand a little closer, stare a little longer, and read God’s Word. In the true reflection of God’s word, you’ll see God has created something inside and outside of you that is beautiful.
“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future”
-Proverbs 31:25
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