“For I know the plans I have for you, Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
-Jeremiah 29:11
She lies in the hospital bed wondering how her life ended up here knowing this was not where she should be, but here she is. As she drifts off to sleep, she thinks back on the last few days and what led up to this very moment….
Saturday morning, she woke up feeling the weight of depression, it was as if she was carrying a ton of bricks. It was even hard for her to get out of bed or even move. But she made herself, she had cats to feed and places to go. As the day went on, she met up with a friend for walk. During the walk she could hear a small voice telling her that she was worthless, alone, and forgotten about. When the walk came to a close, she sat in car wondering where to go. She did not want to return home, because the depression was stronger there. Therefore, she did the next best thing, she drove around town until she had to go home. When she walked into her home that small voice became stronger telling her to end it all. She knows the bible; she knows it’s wrong to just kill herself. But that thought won’t leave her mind. There were sleeping pills just in the bathroom. If she took enough, she could knock out for the night. As the night went on, she tried to read her bible, pray, find something to keep her mind going. But that voice grew by the minute - “end it all” it would say. The voice became too much and the next thing she knew the sleeping pills were in her hand. Instead of giving in fully, she only took two. After taking two she started to feel tired, and the room grew darker by the minute.
The morning came like a blink of an eye, she found herself on the couch not remembering the night before. She had to get up, go to church and interpret for the deaf. As she made her way inside the church building all she wanted to do was run. Surely no one in the church had ever been where she was. The Pastor got up to preach and he started to talk about the helmet of salvation. Talking about the helmet was to protect your mind as well as the whole head. That we needed to pray the helmet of salvation daily. Asking God to protect our minds from the enemy. As the day went on it took all her power to keep on moving.
The next couple days went by in a blink of an eye. She didn’t even know how she got to Tuesday. Tuesday started out with the weight of depression crushing her on the inside. But if you looked at her you would never know that something was wrong. As she walked into work there was problem after problem, and she felt as if nothing she did was right or good enough. At the end of the day, she could no longer take the weight of depression and feeling as if she was not good enough. As she made her way home, she thought about the sleeping pills, only 15 were left. As she walked in her home, she knew what she was going to do.
Once her therapist was emailed, she began her plan. You see the note was finished, cats fed, and the code to her phone was on the table. However, what she was not expecting was that God had a different plan for her. Her therapist reached out to her within a few minutes telling her that she could see her that evening. At first, she did not want to go but for some reason she made her way to the office. She sat in the room talking with her therapist going over what she should do. She sat there thinking about the choices she could make, knowing that if she did not go to the hospital, she would not survive the night. And as she was admitted into the hospital, she couldn’t help but think what her friends will say, the people at church, or what her Pastor and his wife think of her.
As she lies in bed and cries herself to sleep, she has no idea of the support that God is about to provide....
I’m sure you can read between the lines and guess this story is about one horrible day in my life. But God can take the darkest of days and turn them into dancing. Once I was released from the Hospital, I found just what kind of support God had for me. God did not turn His back on me, He did not forget me. God showed me His love, kindness, and mercy. He also gave me a group of women to show me that the church supported and loved me no matter what I had done wrong. That group of women opened their hearts to me and never once judged me for what I had almost done. Randomly they would check on me throughout the next couple of weeks. But the one thing I will not forget is they prayed for me and with me.
My first Sunday back at church my Pastor showed me that all he had was love and no room for judgment from him or his wife. They reached out to me, checked on me, and met with me. After meeting with Pastor, I realized I was not alone in the church, that there were people that felt just like I had felt. The Pastor’s wife showed me more love than I had ever seen in a Pastor’s wife. She opened her heart and give me time to talk or text her. She never once judged me for my past, she simply prayed with and for me. God knew that not only did the church need them, but I needed them in my life as my Pastor and Pastor’s wife.
I never knew there were people in the church feeling the way I did because we don’t talk about it. We pretend that everything is okay, we put on the mask and hide how we are feeling. We need to take our hurt, pain, loneliness, and shame to God. But we also need to talk about it so that people in the church know they are not alone. Not only are there people that have been in church their whole life feeling this, but there are new people coming in with this kind of pain. As a church we need to be open with them to show them what God can do in their lives.
God will use your testimony to glorify Him, to show the world that He can help you carry your hurt, pain, loneliness, and depression. God is saying to us today, “You’re going to be telling a different story very soon. A story of how miracles have found you. A success story filled with so much inspiration. You will give so much hope to so many people when they see how much you overcame and still came out on top.” It’s time we share our testimony, so the world knows that God loves them, and they aren’t alone.
There’s no storm that God won’t carry you through. No bridge that God won’t help you cross. No battle that God won’t help you win. No heartache that God won’t help you let go of. He is so much bigger than anything you will face today. Leave everything in His hands and embrace this day confidently knowing that He will take care of you.
God is still picking up the pieces of my brokenness from heartache and hurt, but piece by piece He’s been showing me that brokenness always leads to beauty. And as life goes on for me, I look back and think “I thought my life was over, but that was actually just the beginning of what God had planned.”
“But thou, o Lord, art a shield for me, my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.”
- Psalms 3:3
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